We live in His Story.
And yet he allows…no- He gives us stories. Our own stories. Our stories of defeat, resurrection, and victory. And sometimes, even love. Yea (say that like when you say “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…) Oh crap, I forgot where I was going with that. Oh yeah. Love. That thing we can’t seem to figure out. Apparently, it’s important because God is Love. And if God is Love, then Love Must. Be. God. That means it’s really, really significant. Even when people don’t get it.
So here I sit. I’ve got some Japandroids in my ear, some wine in my glass, and a guitar in my lap. It’s a Big Baby Taylor I’m thinking of buying (if my firstborn doesn’t want it). It’s a little sleeker than my Taylor, and a little easier to maneuver, but I digress. Because I’m really sitting here thinking of amazingness. And how amazing (and not amazing) planet earth is. And how this gorgeous whisp of heaven settles upon me here in the form of the Japandroids and what I think is Merlot. Or Cabernet. I don’t remember and I don’t care.
I used to have these sacred nights of wine and song. I don’t have them that often nowadays, but the holidays beckon me with some joyful escape that demands a pause. A rejoicing. A stillness. A slice of heaven.
“When they love you, and they will…tell them all, they’ll love in my shadow”… My favorite song by these chaps.
And Lord I love being alone. Sitting. Basking in this glorious taste of eternity that I am more than ready for. This expanse of sacred sound and little me just here receiving. It’s all I can do. And I receive with the gratitude of a starving beggar getting crumbs from some rich fool’s table. That poor rich man will never know…
What’s really cool about coming here and visiting a version of myself from the past, that person who found solace in singing and playing guitar, or better, found solace in creation, I realize I miss her. But I don’t miss the story she was in. So it’s best to just come around now and then, and stay removed more often than not. Because she was sad. And that sucked. But I send my love to her. She is worthy.
“When they love you, and they will…tell them all, they’ll love in my shadow…”
One thing that is really cool about singing the words of others is that it’s a sort of community. A togetherness. Even though these are people I will never know, we have the same essence from the same sort of story. A familiarity. A touchpoint. And there is simply a timelessness about it. A strange comfort. Like we are all really in the same God-forsaken boat.
So I sit here and like 5-year-old YouTube cover videos with like 30 likes because dammit, they deserve to be seen. Because people are precious. Not all of them. But also, sort of all of them. Their offerings should not go unseen. Or unliked. Also, wine makes everything more likable. Temporarily. Maybe even you. (LOL)
Then I switch to “Soft White Underbelly” on YouTube and watch for a few minutes. And decide to opt-out for now. I’ve already absorbed enough of other people’s pain for today. I honor and respect (SO MUCH) other people’s journeys. Because “ouch”. Seriously. Heartbreaking.
Yet. Through the bullshit, I see a plan. Scratch that. I sense a plan. I don’t see things as much as I sense things. And I sense that nearly a decade of bullshit will end up having great significance. I have not suffered for nothing. This I know to be true. There is a purpose in our pain, and I claim all of the bounty that could possibly come from my toil, pain and torment. It has all been for a purpose. For this difficult birth of YOU that I am more than here for. That God has planned for you. He just told me to be patient. And I will be.
And beauty escapes me.
It slips out of me. It is not of me, but of something else. It slips out of me like through the cracks that Leonard Cohen speaks of when he says:
“There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in.”
― Leonard Cohen
…but Leonard, my love, sometimes it’s through the cracks that light also gets…
Because I be bleeding light right now.
Fuck this world. Transcend with me. We have to.
“When they love you, and they will..tell them they’ll love in my shadow…”
If I let this moment slip away, it will be gone forever. If I bury this with the rest of my words that I second guess, they will never be known. And mostly that is OK. Because I really don’t give a shit. But sometimes people are worth fighting for. For giving a shit about. Maybe for just a little while…
“I happened at a house built of living light
Where everything evil disappears and dies”
And I long a little for this, my dear Japandroids. The day when all this shit burns off like the dross that it is and we can see clearly.
But now, my loves, I will rest. I will let the dead bury their own and move forward. Onward.
“But you’re not mine to die for anymore, so I must live…”