Sometimes people don’t know what they have when they have it. That’s a sad story, but s true story nonetheless. And sometimes those good things you got grow legs and walk away. And you’ve given them every reason to do that. You know you can’t really blame them when you’ve acted the fool, triangulating and manipulating like a pathetic loser. And you know it’s really better to just set them free.
But you can’t. Because then you have to sit with yourself, and you don’t like yourself very much. So you keep that body count growing because it makes you feel good about yourself. It makes you feel BIG. But you aren’t. You are the same size as when you started. Only with dead relationships that were never enough for you. Those don’t really keep you very warm at night and you don’t understand what you are doing wrong.
I would tell you what you are doing wrong, but you wouldn’t understand it. It would be like smelling colors to you. It’s something that’s on the tip of your tongue, yet you can never quite taste it… So I won’t bother telling you anything at all, because my points are moot to you. And it’s sad when people give up on you because you are so busy looking for the next thing that will make you feel alive- or at least like you’re not dying. But we’re all dying. It’s better to make peace with that rather than run from it. Make Death your friend and you win.
When you use people up and discard them like used Kleenex because you need something new, you know what happens? You end up with no one at all, except those you who pay to tend to your needs. Cleaning people, cooking people, prostitutes… All because you couldn’t learn to actually be human while you were here. And don’t think it’s just you who needs to learn to be human, It’s everyone. It’s an evolution that is determined by your choices, and yours alone. And yeah, it sucks to have to continually try to be a better human on the inside every day, but there’s also this sweet peace that walks hand in hand with that. And that sweet peace is what ushers you through this life , and through the death that eventually follows.
But you are not a Warrior. You might be winning a little now, but Pride always comes before a Fall. I have that on good authority. A Warrior will fight the mediocrity of this world. A Warrior will rise above it, not play by it’s rules. And really, if you think about it, it’s pretty punk rock, not following the dictates of this bullshit world. But punk rock must not really be your thing…
I get it. Life has dealt you some shitty hands you aren’t even willing to consider revisiting. Those things you can’t mention, things you’ve done. Things people have done to you. They are all crouching tigers under your skin that you pacify with toys and titillation. But they sit there rotting while you try to medicate them with your drugs of choice. They seep into your soul because you won’t see them and set them free. And no one can help you. But you.
They say that people like you can’t change. It’s like a permanent curse you can never escape. And I believe that’s true. There is only the faintest whisper of possibility that the cursed can see the curse and deliberately move out from under it. And yeah, it takes work, but life takes work for all of us. We’ve all got our shitty burdens to bear.
There is this part of your soul that is dying of loneliness and your ego crushes it every time it cries out for connection. And that part of your soul will die/is dying/is dead. Not sure where you are at with that right now, but I know it’s not my problem. I’ve got my own self to conquer. And I’m not going to let my soul die. I finally know who I am and that my soul is worth all the work I put into it.
I just wish you felt the same about yours.